Shifting mindset — ‘Caregiving is the burden; your loved one is the blessing’

(Aging Untold) — For many caregivers, social media has become a lifeline — a place to share their stories and find community. Ty Lewis is one of them.

She’s a certified dementia practitioner and content creator who cares for her mother, Gertrude, who is in the late stages of Alzheimer’s.

Lewis shares a powerful perspective shift that separates the true burden of caregiving from the loved one receiving the care.

“We have to shift our perspective”

Lewis says the mindset reframe starts with understanding what “burden” actually means.

“We have to shift our perspective. The care, that’s the burden, the financial piece, that is the burden. Us not being able to find resources, that’s the burden. But taking care of our loved one, being a servant leader, that is the blessing,” Lewis said.

She says it’s easy for caregivers to lose sight of that distinction on hard days.

“I think that is what a lot of us miss on this journey — that yes, it is hard. Yes, I am picking it up and carrying my cross, but also the cross is leading me somewhere special,” Lewis said. “Because our loved one depends on us so much, we have to be the ones to allow them to lean on us and help them carry that load. So, because they’re unable to do everything, we are who they need us to be. For us, caregiving is the burden. But our loved one is the blessing.”

Why some caregivers find joy — and others don’t

Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose said that reframing can change a caregiver’s entire outlook.

“That is a powerful perspective, and that just kind of changes your whole mood,” Ambrose said. “I think that’s the difference between people that find joy in being a caregiver versus the ones that don’t. They recognize what an honor it is, and that you do get unexpected gifts and blessings.”

See our full interview with Ty Lewis

You can see the full interview here.

The newborn comparison

Gerontologist Sam Cradduck said she’s taught this distinction for years, and she compares it to how people respond to a new baby.

“That’s the basis of my teaching, and it always has been — that the person is not the burden, work is. The definition of burden is that it’s work,” Cradduck said. “When you come home with a brand-new baby, how many people look at a newborn and go, ‘Man, you’re a burden’? There’s a lot of work that goes along with having a brand-new baby — there’s a ton of work — but you never impart that over on the child. You see the workload is the burden.”

She said that same logic gets lost when it comes to caring for aging loved ones.

“When we go to the aged community, we oftentimes get them confused. We hear so many of our aged community say, ‘I don’t want to be a burden.’ Honey, you can’t be a burden,” Cradduck said.

Holding both the burden and the blessing

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke said caregivers don’t have to choose between the two realities — both can be true at once, drawing on her own experience caring for her father.

“I like that she said there’s a burden and there’s a blessing, that you can carry both of those things at the same time,” O’Rourke said. “I know when I was looking out for my dad with the rest of the family, there were days when I was so exhausted, I felt burdened. But then I would have times with him that I felt, ‘Oh, I’m so happy he’s with me, and I’m getting all these connections with him.’”

Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said she sees that same duality reflected in both ends of caregiving, from newborns to aging parents.

“I like both analogies — the newborn baby and then the elder person with whatever ailments they have. It really is the perspective,” Rogers said. “When you can shift your perspective to really zone in on the blessing — there’s a lot of people who would love to have their father or their mother, even if they have the late stages of Alzheimer’s, but they would physically be present here. And that’s the blessing.”

Grief versus joy in the caregiving role

Cradduck said the real difference between caring for a newborn and caring for an aging loved one comes down to emotional framing, not workload.

“With the newborn child, the workload is tough and you’re exhausted. There’s not a brand-new mother or father out there that aren’t exhausted, they’re tired — but they’re not imparting that over to the child, because you see that child with joy. You see that child with hope,” she said.

On the other hand, when you are caring for an older adult, you are also grieving, Cradduck said.

“When you’re over here in your caregiving, you’re grieving. That’s what changes and allows the perspective to put the burden on the person. ... When we see the person is still a human, always — the workload is the burden — then we can always see the blessing in what we’re doing. That’s what we’ve got to get back to.”

That mindset applies no matter which side of caregiving someone is on, Rogers and Ambrose added.

“I like the perspective of looking at — we’re going to be whatever they need us to be, whether that’s a child or the older person,” Rogers said.

“You’re just going to make your burden worse if you don’t make that mindset shift. Be open to the blessings that come out of it, because they are unexpected, and they are beautiful sometimes,” Ambrose said.

Key takeaways

• The workload is the burden — not the person. Ty Lewis says reframing caregiving starts with separating the tasks and stress of caregiving from the person receiving care.
• Burden and blessing can coexist. Aging expert Amy O’Rourke said caregivers don’t have to pick one feeling — exhaustion and gratitude can show up on the same day.
• The newborn comparison reveals a double standard. Parents absorb the exhaustion of caring for a baby without blaming the child. Gerontologist Sam Cradduck says aging loved ones deserve that same grace.
• A mindset shift can change a caregiver’s whole outlook. Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose said caregivers who recognize caregiving as an honor are more likely to experience joy rather than only exhaustion.
• Being “who they need us to be” is a form of leadership. Lewis describes caregiving as servant leadership — stepping in for a loved one who can no longer do everything on their own.