Grumpy Line King: horse racing better than football - wistv.com - Columbia, South Carolina

Line King grumpily points out horse racing better than football

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The following column is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

(RNN) - Well, we're coming down the home stretch of the regular college football season and about four months away from pretending to crown a national champion. Even though a large number of teams are taking the weekend off, The Line King doesn't have that luxury, he still has to perform…plus, we have the Breeder's Cup to enjoy – something that dishes out crowns based on head-to-head competition.

Think and compare thoroughbred racing with college football. The Sport of Kings versus The Sport of Computer Generated National Champions, where every team with a 6-6 record is rewarded with a trip to Shreveport, Montgomery or Bakersfield.

Back in the day, 6-6 would get you fired. Today, it gets you a five-year extension, a container's worth of apparel from Brand "X" and a steak dinner over at the Western Wagon.

If thoroughbred racing relied on computers, dunderhead media "experts" or the elite establishment, we would never have had some of the greatest stories in American sports history.

The greatest horse of them all, Secretariat was "won" by his owner Penny Chenery, because she lost a coin flip to determine who got which new foal from Bold Ruler. Seems the so-called expert who won the coin toss, old crusty pants Ogden Phipps thought the other horse was a far greater breed.

What was that horse's name again? You want to see total domination on the field? Forget Bammer rolling over a media-selected opponent in this year's BCS game, go watch Secretariat in the 1972 Belmont Stakes – now that's earning a title.

And The Line King would be remiss if he didn't mention 2009 Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird. He couldn't possibly win anything. He was a gelding, was driven up from some rinky-dink track in New Mexico in a trailer hitched to a pick-up truck by his trainer who wears old boots and a cowboy hat. Chip Woolly drove more than 1,200 miles in just under 21 hours to enter his horse in the most important race on Earth.

The "experts" scoffed.

"Let's put his odds at 50-1; we will set the odds on the sure winner Dunkirk at 4-1 and pat ourselves on the back while we down gallons of mint juleps."

The next day those same experts were trying to convince Woolly to ship his horse to the Preakness in a more sophisticated manner. Woolly would have none of it as he led the Kentucky Derby winner up the ramp into his trailer.

Just imagine if they started rewarding the seventh-place finisher of the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont with trips to two-horse races in one-horse towns. It would make a mockery of the Triple Crown.

Then why is the team that finishes in seventh place in Conference USA rewarded with anything – other than a swift kick in the britches? I'll tell you why – it's a way to keep the masses quiet and the powers that be fat-and-happy.

The Line King remembers the day when only one Big Ten team went to the Rose Bowl. Everyone else stayed at home – and that meant usually Michigan or Ohio State would be spending their nine-win season at home during the holidays.

Who knows, maybe one day people will wake up to the insanity of rewarding mediocrity. As for me, The Line King will be enjoying watching at least one sport this weekend that recognizes the winner based on merit. And please don't tell me Baylor can't beat Bammer just because of what a computer program designed by someone who probably hasn't showered this week spits out.

Week Six: 7-3 (Bum was watching out for me, except that Missouri game)

Season: 51-40-3

Nov. 2

Tennessee @ Missouri -10: No Walking Horse has ever won the Kentucky Derby or any other race that I am aware of. Missouri threw a shoe last weekend, but remains in the $EC East lead headed down the home stretch.

Auburn -10 @ Arkansas: The Arkansas faithful sure wish they had gone with bloodlines last year and taken one of their own. So far, their selection looks like a mule.

New Mexico State @ Louisiana-Lafayette -27: Mine That Bird couldn't even help NMSU - Although they might ride in a trailer to their away games.

Oklahoma State @ Texas Tech -2½: The Red Raiders have a horse that runs onto the field before, during and after the game. It might actually even sleep there, too.

Tulane +3 @ Florida Atlantic Ocean: Evidently, ex-FAOU Head Coach Carl Pelini misunderstood when they said that Hialeah had re-opened and was doing a promotion this week to celebrate.

East Carolina -20 @ Florida International Airport: Pirates don't ride horses, but not even the new slots at Gulfstream Park will be able to help FIAU.

Mississippi State @ SoCar -12.5: There is no horse analogy here, just that Carolina plays their home games in the "Cock Pit".

30th Breeder's Cup Classic: 1. Palace Malice 2. Mucho Macho Man 3. Will Take Charge – Trainer Todd Pletcher is a Santa Anita homer. I am sure he will wear a silly-looking hat and spout off how great Santa Anita is. He also wins a lot here. At some point Mucho Macho Man has to come home for me and Will Take Charge has a little Unbridled in him and you can never go against Unbridled – even though he has been dead for more than 10 years.

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

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