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Line King: College football needs The 'U' back

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The following column is satire and meant for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - We are one quarter of the way through the 2013 college football season, and here is The Line King's Annual Conference Nugget Report.

He has long grieved because there are no longer any top-notch, beat-you-flat-then-rub-it-in, bad-guy hate magnets left in the bleak college football landscape of today. Miami of the 1990s, better-known as The "U," set a standard of indomitable wickedness that has yet to be repeated.

But hope floats eternally, because The Line King is a glass-half-full kind of guy:

ACC: Has the actual "U" returned? College football needs them! Bama is just not a good enough heel. The 2013 "U" has also given up only 50 points in four games. They just need more off-the-field antics and post-TD posing.

Big East (they should have never changed their name): Houston is a nice surprise. The Coogs might not be The "U," but they are a delightful 4-0 straight up/against the spread. SMU has a great 30 for 30 special like The "U," but is an appalling 0-4 ATS.

Big 8: Is Baylor the next "U?" I doubt the Southern Baptists would allow the necessary antics, but the Bears are running through opponents quicker than a snake handler goes through a vial of anti-venom serum. They've also only given up 23 points in four games. Twenty-three!

Big 11: The Big 11 will never produce a "U." Although Michigan's QB wearing No. 98 is pretty cool.

C-USA: The once proud Southern Miss program is the perfect example of why you don't run off a coach who produced 14 consecutive winning seasons and 10 bowl games. Wake up, people, it's Hattiesburg, not Miami.

Independents: The "U" would certainly like to rekindle the  venerable "Catholics vs. Convicts" rivalry, especially considering that Notre Dame is a horrid 0-4 ATS.

MAC: "U"Mass (yes, it is in the MAC) has only scored 28 points in four games. Yikes, that's not "U"-like.

MountainBigWestWAC: Usually produces a few teams worth following.  And like the old "U," the Benjamins are flying all over the place. "U"tah State is 4-1 ATS and while Hawaii is 0-4 on the field, they have nice beaches and are 3-1 ATS.  

PAC 10+2: While not The "U," the "O" is certainly making an early season run for a spot in Pasadena. The Ducks have scored 239 and given up 43... very "U"-like. And forget SoCal's 3-2 record, Lane Kiffin got fired because they are 1-4 ATS.

$EC: Despite brainwashing half the nation, the $EC is not at all "U"-like ATS. Mike $live would love to replace Starkville with Miami. Although Mizzou (who remembered they are in the $EC?) is 4-0 SU and ATS.

Sun Belt: South Alabama is 3-1 ATS, but Mobile will never be confused with Miami. Neither will Monroe or Lafayette (LA), Bowling Green (KY), Troy (AL) or San Marcos (TX). Heck, Atlanta is not Miami, either, although they think they are. Next year add Boone (NC) and Statesboro (GA).

Week 4: 6-3-1 (again)

Total: 29-20-2

Week 5

GaState @ Bammer -56: Old-school "U" beatdown.

Clemson @ Syracuse +14: Lots of orange... just like The "U."

UGA -11 @ Rocky Top: Speaking of Orange, ol' Smokey can only wish it was The "U."

Arkansas +10 @ The Swamp: The "U" took care of the Gators earlier, deflating giant egos all up and down I-75.  

Mizzou @ Vandy -4.5: Vandy is a private school just like The "U," or so the Vandy fan keeps saying.

Mississippi @ Barn +3: Black Bear fans are still excited about the Music City Bowl.

Kentucky @ SoCar -21.5: The Visor would have been a perfect fit at The "U." Instead, he is in Columbia. Oh well.

San Jose @ Hawaii +4.5: Think ATS my friends... ATS and those beaches.

TCU @ Oklahomer -11: TCU could be The "U." But it isn't.  

GaTech @ The "U" -4.5: Welcome back, The "U."

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